The Daily Mumfuck

I fucking passed out. Full-on blacked out while plugged into my foot massager, chair scooted right up to my desk, like the perfect setup for disaster. It all started while I was watching a friend draw something on discord stream, waiting for another friend to come back from a shower. My ass knew I wasn’t long for this world. My eyes were heavy-heavy, blinking slow and lazy like a sloth lizard trying to care about life. I was desperately trying to hold a conversation, hoping I could squeeze in one more League game before the rising tide of not sleeping for over 36 hours finally took me out. Spoiler: it did.

When that shit hit, it hit. HARD. I was gone. Blacked the fuck out. And honestly? The blackout itself wasn’t even the worst part—I needed the sleep. Deserved it. My ass hadn’t slept properly since a certain annoying orange got inaugurated, and I’d been up obsessively waiting to see what executive orders he was signing on day one, like it was going to change my life overnight. (It didn’t. Still had to wait.) But here’s the thing: this wasn’t my usual tired bitch routine. None of the standard bags-under-eyes, dead-on-my-feet, shuffle-around-half-alive stuff. Nope. My body was running surprisingly: business usual, instead of: straight survival mode demon time.

So there I was, jacked into my dual monitors, feet in the foot massager, Discord call open, feeling the sleep demon rising. I could feel it. It could feel me. That was the moment: BLACKOUT. One second I’m there, the next I’m waking up in my bed, headphones tossed onto the side table, disoriented as hell.

I look around, still in the Discord call, which was weird as shit because I wasn’t kicked out for being AFK. Apparently, my friends heard me go quiet at the end, followed by this massive, croaky-ass groan that they said sounded exactly like that Plankton “uhhhhhhh” meme. The second they heard it, they knew. They’d lost me.

Now I’m lying there, trying to figure out how my body pulled off this sleepwalk acrobatics routine. Did I somehow manage to wriggle free from the foot massager and scoot my tucked-in chair back? Or did I just flop over like a dying fish, hit the floor, and crawl my stiff-ass body to bed after an hour of unconsciousness? Either way, I woke up with a sore neck, a stiff back, and a grudging respect for the meat suit I call my body. It knows what I need, even if it’s a hot mess. Good job, me.

Listen, reader. If you’re reading this, let me say this loud and clear: Don’t go without sleep for more than 24 hours. Seriously, don’t even think about pulling a 36-hour no-sleep marathon. It’s a terrible idea. I don’t know how my body managed to survive a full shift after not sleeping, let alone squeeze in some gaming, but I did. That doesn’t mean you should.

Just sleep. Sleep is important. Your body needs it, your brain needs it, and if you don’t, I will lovingly launch myself through this computer screen and beat the ever-loving shit out of you. With care. And affection. 💖